THE PROVERBS 31 MAN
Kurtis Dahlin,
©Kurtis Dahlin 2002
For the last 3,000 years, the 31st chapter
of the Book of Proverbs has been a source of inspiration for women. Each of
that chapter’s 22 verses begins with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet in proper
sequence and serves as a learning tool for young girls by presenting the image
of the perfect wife. As everyone knows, the book of Proverbs was inspired by
God to provide wisdom to his people. This culminating chapter of Proverbs describes
the skill, talents, and virtuous character of the perfect woman and wife.
There is a temptation to stop at that point and pass
this 31st chapter on to all the young girls when they come of age
and tell them to read it − perhaps even memorize the most significant
passages. That is the way I saw this
chapter in Proverbs for many years.
Then, a boxing glove sprang out of one of the pages while I was reading
it one day and hit me right in the face.
It became obvious that this book was not just for my wife and daughters
− it was for me – their husband and father− telling me how to
act as a man!
As I put on my Crime Scene Investigator badge and
picked up a Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass, the godly requirements of a man
began to appear behind the scenes in Proverbs 31. A careful study of this chapter excavated the
vision of an incredible role model for men today. In the larger context, this
chapter serves as a compass for biblical family values.
As
an bonus, Proverbs 31 provides a source to assist
young men in choosing a wife. It shows the godly characteristics of the woman
they should marry. Proverbs 31 helps single men in their search for a woman
of quality. It cautions men not to be
lured and deceived by superficial trappings and points to the fact that a
lasting marriage must be built on a more solid foundation. Our Proverbs 31
woman is a good, noble and excellent woman who trusts the Lord. Too often in
this age, a young man’s qualifications for his future bride involve a hard body
with a beach tan and the ability to model the briefest of hip-huggers.
One
of the reasons rubies are precious is because they are so rare. If you could find rubies on the beach, would
they be as valuable? Verse 10 of Chapter
31 doesn't read, "She is worth far more than seashells." It rather says she is worth far more than
rubies or jewels. She is to be valued as
rare and precious by her husband. The
Hebrew word for ruby (paniyn)
is used to describe the value of wisdom.
Other verses that add to this thought are:
·
Proverbs
·
Proverbs
·
Job 28:18 - The price of wisdom is above
rubies (KJV)
Men should view women as the crowning jewel of God's
creation. Let’s look at this in a
different, but similar fashion. Let’s
say that you just heard over the
Chapter 3 – The Pathological Problem
of Men
Of
the 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs, 30 chapters are primarily addressed to
men. Broken down even further, there are 22 verses for women and 893 verses for
men. What does that tell you? Why do men
need 98% of this book of wisdom?
Based
on the Bureau of Justice statistics regarding prison and jail inmates at
mid-year 1999, there were about 2 million total inmates in Federal and State
prisons. Of this group, 90% were men and
81% were unmarried − in various stages of singleness, i.e. without
family.
In
the Sourcebook of Criminal Justice Statistics 1998, it was stated that there
were 31 million crimes. Single men did the overwhelming majority of those
crimes. In the Sourcebook of Criminal Justice Statistics 1998, it was stated
that there were 113,866 men in federal prisons. Of the total inmates, 92.5%
were men and only 9,186 were women. Additionally, it could be assumed that the
majority of those women worked together with men at some point. The facts are
clear − men are the leading cause of crime. Men gone wrong are the curse
of the nation. And the majority of criminal men are unmarried.
Again, according to Sourcebook of Criminal
Justice Statistics 1998, it was stated that in 1994 it cost over $103.4 billion
for all the services required to incarcerate inmates in state and federal
prisons. That equals at least $94 billion annually just for men.
It
doesn’t stop there. Let’s look at the target of men’s crimes. Men rob
individuals, families and businesses. Men rob society of financial resources.
Men rob society of their potential contribution to the community. And finally, these criminals rob God of their
potential contribution to the church.
Let’s
look at it another way - how many armies of women do you know who have gone out
to pillage and conquer the world? How
many mass murderers were women? How many
female pirates can you name? The history of men is not good. It is not pretty. Take Adam for instance:
·
Genesis 1:3,4
states that God made light. The light was good
·
Genesis 1:7-10 states that God made the
sky, the water and land and God saw that it was good
·
Genesis 1:11,12
states that God made plants and trees.
And God saw that it was good
·
Genesis 1:14,18
states that God made the sun and moon. And God saw that it was good.
·
Genesis
·
Genesis
·
Genesis
And
there was evening, and there was morning, the sixth day. God made Adam and put
him in the Garden of Eden. In Gen 2:18a
(NIV) the Lord God said, "It is not
good for the man to be alone."
The first time God said, “It
is not good” is when he saw Adam left to himself. So how was God going to fix
the problem? God came up with the
perfect solution. In Gen 2:18b (NIV) -
The Lord God said, "I will make a helper suitable for him."
Who
was this helper God created to change Adam from not good to good? A woman! Men
need the transforming power of a good wife, mother or sister. In this case,
Adam needed a wife to help him rule the earth. Men need good wives.
Men
gone astray from God are the greatest social problem that faces
The Proverbs 31 woman is the ideal wife. She is
as rare and precious as rubies. Not all women measure up to her. The reason the
Proverbs 31 woman seems so far away from us today and merely a faint goal is
because we as a nation have fallen so far short of God's blueprint for family.
However, Proverbs 31:29 states that there are "many women who have done
excellently." Maybe it is not so
far-fetched that a woman should actually measure up to this lofty
standard. At home my family and I
regularly read Laura Ingalls Wilder's, Little House on the Prairie book
series. The TV show was embellished from
the true stories that Laura wrote about pioneer life in the late 1800's. We
have read these books six or seven times together as a family.
I am personally a Laura Ingalls
expert. Here is my favorite quote from Laura's Pa − Charles Ingalls, “What must be done is best done cheerfully.” My
family and I made a pilgrimage to
Laura's mom, Caroline Ingalls,
was exactly like the Proverbs 31 woman.
She didn't eat the bread of idleness. She was crafty. She was kind and
gracious. She was charitable. She was hardworking. She was a woman of faith. Charles Ingalls was also a man of noble character. Laura grew up
and married Almonzo Wilder. Almonzo's childhood
is recounted in the book Farmer Boy. Almonzo's mother
was just like the Proverbs 31 woman in every way. Her husband, James Ingalls, was equal to her.
Both men, Charles and James, were hardworking, family centered, honest,
fair and gracious. Charles Ingalls and James Wilder were respected men in the
community and men of solid faith in Jesus Christ. No doubt we will meet them all in
heaven. What I have seen in my many
years as a pastor is that when a woman rises to excellence, her husband is
usually a man of excellence. Behind
every good woman is a good man. Many
women are excellent wives because many men are excellent husbands.
The wife described in Proverbs 31 would have a
difficult time
becoming a woman of such surpassing excellence unless her husband
was the man portrayed in the previous 30 chapters of Proverbs. Having said all
this, there is also a man in Proverbs chapter 31. Who is the Proverbs 31 man?
Proverbs 31:11 reads "Her husband has full
confidence in her...." Who is this
husband and what can we learn from him?
Proverbs 31:28 states, “Her children rise up….” - We discover that our
man is a father. He has children.
Proverbs 31:23 reads “He sits among the elders of the land.” - He is a respected community leader.
As we survey Proverbs 31, we learn that our man
is a husband (v. 11), he is a father (v. 28), and he is an elder (v. 23). These are the three key areas in which we
will examine our man of excellence. This should be a valuable study for all
single men, want-to-be husbands, dads, grandpas, widowers − everybody.
In Proverbs 31:11 we read, "Her husband has
full confidence in her and lacks nothing in value" (NIV). The RSV translates it, "The heart of her
husband trusts in her." We find
that our Proverbs 31 man is a husband. He is married to her. Marriage was
intended to be a lifelong commitment, not a feeling. He has pledged himself to her in lifelong,
monogamous (not monotonous) marriage.
Notice, they are not cohabiting. They are not just living together. He is not a roommate or a drop-in
boyfriend. He is not one of a long
string of guys. He is her husband. They are married. Her ability to act with confidence and to
instill confidence reveals mutual trust, not only in her sexual fidelity and
integrity but also in his. She is not
leading a double life. Do you think he
could trust her if she was the promiscuous wife of Proverbs chapter 7? The
Proverbs 7 woman was in bed with any man she could find as soon as her husband
left town.
The context of chapter 31 is family: husband,
wife, and children. Family is God's idea and God has the perfect blueprint for
a successful family. The biblical principles for family were taught from
childhood. The husband and wife were trained and prepared for family. Their goal in life was to raise a godly
family.
Today, we are trained and prepared for pleasure.
Our goal in life as Americans is pleasure. As one of our most
famous philosophers said: "Go for the Gusto." Marriage then, in
our western mind, is perceived as the culmination of pleasure: an "E
ticket ride" for those of you who remember E tickets at
Marriage is a responsibility. It is an
opportunity to impart God's wisdom to the next generation. You don't get married to be happy. Happiness
can be a part of marriage but not the foundation. Marriage is a process of spiritual growth,
sacrifice and self-denial. Marriage is
the hardest thing you'll ever do. Why,
because marriage involves two imperfect people trying to live together (Proverbs
27:17). Martin Luther called marriage
"The school of character."
When I read these 22 verses of Proverbs 31, it
reminds me of "And they lived happily ever after." However, "happily ever after" seems
to work best in fairy tales. “Happily
ever after” doesn’t seem to work in
The divorce rate is the same inside the church
as in our culture. It is a bad sign when the church is the same as our society.
We are in a culture war and the Church is losing the battle. We should be
leading our culture. Marriage is a vow.
Marriage is a covenant for all our days, for God's purposes. So you single men should marry
carefully. Marry for the right
reasons. Do not marry for popularity,
charm, and beauty. Marry for noble
character and devotion to God. Marry for vision and values. If you marry in a hurry, you live with
worry.
The reason we are viewing our Proverbs 31 man as
a mirror is to see areas in our lives that need improvement. This is not entertainment. This is truth. Truth is a challenge we are to apply in our
daily lives! I have a long way to go...so my
jewel assures me.
Not many marriages are as trouble free as the
one in Proverbs 31. Sinful nature (sarx) will guarantee that you have a sufficient number of
disagreements, foolishness, trouble, pain and grief. The Bible describes
certain women like stormy weather.
Proverbs
27:15 states, "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman
are alike. To restrain her is to restrain the wind, or
to grasp oil in one’s right hand" (RSV).
Proverbs
Some women are like unrestrainable
wind and constant drizzle. Moreover, you know what another proverb says,
"Into every life a little rain must fall." I'm a sunny kind of guy. I like warm weather.
I don't like rain. Yet seasons come and
seasons go. The Proverbs 31 man is able to weather the storms of life.
Proverbs 31:11 states, "she
has his full confidence." The
Proverbs 31 man trusts his wife. Deep down in the core of his being he can
trust her because she trusts the Lord.
Proverbs 31:30 reads "a woman who fears the Lord is to be
praised." His trust allows her to fully express her capabilities and
skills to the maximum level. His confidence empowers her to make important
day-to-day decisions, even to purchase property. Notice, she has full reign of
the house. She is not lonely, bored, caged up, barefoot and fearful.
Look at what she accomplishes in this
environment of mutual trust and confidence. As we survey chapter 31 we see she
works willingly. She travels to get the best deals. She gets up early and
provides food for her household. She has servants to manage and money to
invest. She buys land and plants a
vineyard. She buys and sells her merchandise in the marketplace. She has time
to help the poor. She makes quality
clothes for herself and her family. She laughs. She is kind. She teaches with
wisdom. She takes good care of her family.
Could you imagine this woman with a car, a computer and a cell
phone? She is not some whimpering,
maltreated, cringing slave waiting anxiously for her husband/master to come
home and think for her. He trusts her to make the best use of her
opportunities. She is completely free and incredibly active, working in harmony
with the vision and values of their home. The Proverbs tell us:
·
Proverbs 27:9 - A soul is torn by trouble
·
Proverbs
·
Proverbs 15:4 - Perverseness...breaks the
spirit
·
Proverbs
·
Proverbs
Does our Proverbs 31 woman sound like a broken
spirited woman? Does she appear torn,
troubled, downcast, broken and sorrowful? NO! Our Proverbs 31 man has been good
to her. He is an excellent, loving husband. He cherishes her as "far more precious
than jewels." He trusts her. They co-exist in an atmosphere of trust and
harmony. This is a functional home. A
truly biblical home is a peaceful and productive home.
The Proverbs 31 woman is very active. I am quickly overwhelmed by how hard she
works. I’m exhausted just reading about all she does. She works harder than a
plumber. Do you think that she was submissive to her husband? Eph.
·
Roll em in
·
Roll em out
·
Head em up
·
Move em out
·
Rawhide
·
Get those doggies rollin,
rollin, Rawhide!
·
(Crack
the whip)
·
Move em on
·
Head em up
·
Head em up
·
Move em on
·
Move em on
·
Head em up
·
Rawhide
·
Don't try to understand em
·
Just rope 'n throw 'n brand em
·
Soon we’ll be living high and wide
·
Tho' they are
disapproving keep those doggies moving – Rawhide!
·
(Crack
the whip)
·
Cut em out
·
Ride em in
·
Ride em in
·
Let em out
·
Cut em out
(crack the whip)
·
Ride em in
Rawhide!
Some men believe that the word submission means
they can treat their wives like cattle. However, women don't work this hard for
a creep. The Proverbs 31 woman works
with willing hands. She couldn't and wouldn’t thrive in an environment of
physical and verbal abuse. The Proverbs
31 man does not stifle his wife. Physical, mental and verbal abuse
do not produce trust and confidence and willingness. Her eager
productivity tells us that this home is righteous and just. This home is peaceful. The
fact that she lives in an environment of confidence and trust gives her the
full opportunity to utilize her talents and capabilities. That is respect. He trusts her with all of his heart. Yet,
trust is earned. She is worthy of his trust. She is not the promiscuous wife of
Proverbs chapter 7. They have a sacred bond of trust that sexual fidelity brings
to a marriage.
We find in verses 11 and 12 that, "Her
husband...lacks nothing of value. She
brings him good, not harm, all the days of her
life" (NIV). Does that sound like a
life of drudgery and misery? Does it
sound like she is oppressed or depressed? She works willingly. He lacks nothing
of value. She wants to bring him good all the day of her life. Do you think she
likes her husband? Do you think the
Proverbs 31 man is a likable kind of person? Does it sound like they are
working together? Do you suppose they
agree on the direction their family and lives are heading?
They are not two people living together with two
different agendas: one doing one thing, one doing another thing. She has full confidence in him. He has full confidence in her. She is worthy of his respect and honor. He is
worthy of her respect and honor. This doesn't describe two timid people with a
file full of prenuptial agreements.
Trust is a wonderful thing. She
equally shares the values and vision that he lives out in his life. These two are equally yoked. One of the major causes of divorce is
disagreement over core values. Yet,
these are not two confused people. They are not two people at war with each
other. They are not two people in the
rowboat fighting over the oars. They are not two people in two different
rowboats. They are two people committed to God's way, each pulling their own
oar in harmony, in the same direction. They have shared values and vision.
Marry for values and vision. What are your core values?
Proverbs
31:12 says "all the days of her life." Does "all the
days of her life," sound like, "till death do us part?" This is marriage. The union of one man and
one wife was clearly the biblical norm. It doesn't read, "I'll give you
the best seven years of my life."
Marriage is permanent. It is “all
the days of life,” in the context of husband, wife and family. All the days of her life shows that God’s
family values are a lifestyle, not a
quick fix, not a temporary illusion, not something on trial for a little while,
not a feeble attempt but an inner conviction.
Divorce is not an option and it doesn't need to
be. There is no problem with marriage. There are no problem marriages. There
are only problems with married people. If
you do things God's way, divorce does not need to be an option. Have you ever heard of anyone who got a
divorce because they were too kind to each other?
“A Gallup poll found three of four women
agreeing that if they could turn back the calendar they would not pick the same
husband” (Petersen, Alan ed. For Men Only.
If your wife could do it all over again, would
she still marry you? Would you want to be married to you? Are you the kind of
guy that she would recommit herself to...today? This can be a painful
question. The answer probably depends on
which day you ask the question. If there is any hesitation to enthusiastically
answer, “Yes,” it is due to hardness of heart, sin, ignorance and
disobedience. If the answer is, “No,” we
have missed God’s blueprint for marriage.
Yet, this woman's husband was worthy of her respect and devotion. She would do it again! The Proverbs 31 woman was able to be so open
and giving and to achieve so much because of the noble character of her
husband. We know that he
who loves his wife, loves himself. Men,
we would all do ourselves a favor by becoming this kind of person. The Proverbs 31 man is a gracious and loving
husband.
Next, we discover that our Proverbs 31 man is
also a father. In verses 15, 21, 27 and
28, we find that he has a family and children. They are his kids as well as
hers. Therefore, he is not birthing children illegitimately or without bearing
full responsibility for them. What were the typical responsibilities of a
biblical father? There are at least
seven:
·
To provide adequately for his family.
·
To assume loving spiritual leadership of
the family.
·
To diligently teach and train his
children biblical values.
·
To properly discipline with purpose and
love. No discipline, no peace.
·
To defend and protect the family.
·
To prepare children for productive work.
·
To participate in the selection of a
spouse.
The father is expected to be the primary teacher of
biblical values to his kids. It is not the responsibility of mom, the church or
the State (Proverbs 22:6; Deut. 6:7-9). Also, circumcision of baby boys,
initiated by the father, was the equivalent of dedicating the baby to God.
Then
in Deut. 6:4-7:
·
v4 - Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is
one LORD;
·
v5 - and you shall love the LORD your God
with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.
·
v6 - And these words that I command you
this day shall be upon your heart;
·
v7 - and you shall teach them diligently
to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when
you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. (RSV)
We can assume that the Proverbs 31 man was this
kind of man. He fully embraced his biblical job description. He was not some
lawless pagan, renegade rebel, rabble rousing, or violent monster. We can extract the description of our fellow
from what we know about his wife, common sense and the biblical expectation for
men. We can assume that, because of
cultural and biblical forces, he was the primary support for his family, his
estate, and his household. Knowing, therefore, that he was the primary source
of support for his family let us see what we can learn about him.
He was probably a farmer, like most. He owned
property. He had servants. He had a well functioning home. His family and household were fed, clothed
and cared for. What does this tell us about him? This tells us that our
Proverbs 31 man was not squandering his income on gambling, get-rich-quick
schemes, drugs, pornography, prostitution, laziness and drunkenness. This means
that he was gainfully employed. The fact that this woman could go out and
purchase food from afar shows that he gave her a sufficient budget. She can buy
and travel for groceries because he provided financial stability.
He is a responsible manager of his
finances. He has finances to manage. His wife is not home wringing her hands,
worrying that her husband will spend the family income on drugs, gambling,
prostitution or expensive recreational toys.
The fact that she can work with eager hands, and bring her food from far
distances, and buy a field, and plant a vineyard, and make clothes for her
family, speaks of a stable home life. The Proverbs 31 father works hard to
provide a stable home life. Young men and men in general should be working hard
toward financial stability. This is tough today and demands hard work. However,
financial stability does not mean working to be rich.
·
Proverbs 23:4 - Do not toil to acquire
wealth
·
Proverbs30:8 - Give me neither poverty
nor riches, feed me with the food that is needful for me
·
Proverbs30:9 - Lest I be full and deny or
lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God (RSV)
·
Paul echoes this same principle in the
New Testament in 1 Tim 6:6‑11 (RSV)
·
v6 - There is great gain in godliness
with contentment;
·
v7 - for we brought nothing into the
world, and we cannot take anything out of the world;
·
v8 - but if we have food and clothing,
with these we shall be content.
·
v9 - But those who desire to be rich fall
into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and hurtful desires that
plunge men into ruin and destruction.
·
v10 - For the love of money is the root
of all evils; it is through this craving that some have wandered away from the
faith and pierced their hearts with many pangs.
·
v11 - But as for you, man of God, shun
all this; aim at righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, and
gentleness.
You who are working to be rich cannot be
more powerful than the forces that have destroyed lives for over 3,000
years. Do not work for money. Work for God.
Do not work to get. Work to give. The long hike up the mountain of
materialism will destroy you
Proverbs 31:20 reads, "She opens her hand
to the poor and extends her hands to the needy." What do we learn about our man from the fact
that she is so charitable? Do you think she is sneaking household money to the
poor? I know many women who would like to tithe and cheerfully give offerings
but their husbands won't allow it. They
refuse to permit their wives to contribute to the needs of the church and to
help ministries that help other people. If this woman could give to the poor,
her husband encouraged it and modeled that compassion and generosity in his own
life as a wise man. The Proverbs 31 man inspires her to give to the poor. Her charity is an extension of his
generosity. Here is a generous man who understands the power and blessing of
helping others (Proverbs19:17; 22:9). He
is not like the rich man who wouldn't give a crumb to the poor. He is not like the rich fool who selfishly
believed that all his finances and his wealth were for his personal luxury and comfort. Our man
is not a miserly old scrooge. He is not a greedy man. A greedy man makes
trouble for his own house (Proverbs15:27).
We don't sense any trouble in this house.
Proverbs
We discover in Proverbs 31:25 that “She is
clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come” (NIV).
The Proverbs 31 woman can laugh. This
woman can face the future with confidence. What does this tell us about our
Proverbs 31 man? Would she be so bold
about her future if her husband were a drunk, wasting the family money on
drugs, foolishness, gambling, pornography and prostitutes? Could she laugh at the future if her husband
was cruel or mean to the kids? Could she laugh if her husband was selfish,
violent, out of control, verbally abusive and oppressive?
She can only laugh at the future because of the
noble character of her husband. She can
laugh because her Proverbs 31 man is stable and committed to God, morally
faithful and hardworking. The incredible difficulties of life become laughable
for a woman. Think of how hard life is
for a woman. She can laugh. Our man has not caused his wife sorrow and
grief. She is not worried sick wondering
what hubby will do next. Where he is now? Will he come home? What he will do
with the family income? If she is able
to laugh at the future, she is standing behind her godly man, laughing. It
would be impossible for an abused and unloved woman to laugh about anything. A
husband who can give his wife such confidence in the face of life's trials and
difficulties is truly a remarkable man.
How many wives can laugh at the future? How many wives can laugh about
anything? How many women have enough confidence in their husbands to laugh at
the future? The Proverbs 31 woman can
laugh.
You have heard of books, “Where’s Waldo?” Waldo is camouflaged within intricate
settings and is impossible to find. Today, the question is, “Where is dad, the
invisible man?” Where is our man? In Proverbs 31:28, 29 we find the Proverbs 31
dad at home. We usually think of the wife as “the little homemaker.” I propose
that our man is also a homemaker. He is necessary in the home as a father and a
husband. He isn’t some recreational
beast coming home late to Hotel Hilton, snapping his fingers for room service. His life is given to God, his wife, his
family and his home. A husband and father is as much a part of the homemaking
responsibilities as the wife. Parents are two oars on the same boat. Parents
are a team to raise godly children. This
is seen in Proverbs 31:27‑31 (RSV):
·
v27 – She looks well to the ways of her
household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
·
v28 – Her children rise up and call her
blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
·
v29 – “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
·
v30 – Charm is deceitful, and beauty is
vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
·
v31 – Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
The children rise up and bless mom. Where do you think the children are when they
arise and call her blessed? My six kids
are at home when they rise up. Here is a glimpse of the Proverbs 31 man at
home. He is at home with his kids. The kids don’t wake up wondering where dad
is. The kids have a dad and know their dad. A dad in the home is becoming a
novelty. This isn’t mother’s live-in
boyfriend. The kids don’t wake up to
find another note from dad away on the golf course again. Mom isn’t some single
parent with a deadbeat, runaway creep for a father and a husband. This is dad at home. He isn’t the absentee father.
What do the children say about mom? They call her blessed. Blessed means to be level, stable,
or happy. The kids confess that
mom is great. “Mom, you are happy. Mom, you are awesome.” Proverbs 31:25 reads mom laughs and verse 26
says mom speaks with wisdom and kindness. Proverbs 31:29 reads mom trusts the
Lord. She is blessed because she obeys
God (Proverbs3:18). Notice, the kids are sitting together with dad discussing
what a wonderful mother and wife they have.
Kids will be happiest in a truly Christian home.
These parents aren’t extremists, anti-government fundamentalists, right wing
fanatics. These are happy people with a
solid and substantial home life centered on biblical values. This is a warm and
happy house, which tells us that a truly biblical home should be a refuge. Home
should be a safe place. The love of the
Lord is in this home and where the love of the Lord is, that home is blessed,
happy, stable and peaceful. For many of us
a home like this only exists in fairy tales.
But God’s plan for people is a safe and happy home. God’s will for
children is peace and harmony. How much pain could be eliminated in the home
and the world if families modeled their lives after God’s values instead of the
false values of our culture. God only wants what is
best for people.
We also find that our Proverbs 31 man is not a
hypocrite. He is not leading a “decent” public life in front of people and a
dark, secret, private life of sin and pain at home. He’s not singing in the choir on Sunday, then
going home and abusing his wife and kids. We see him at home with the wife and
kids. We look through his window into the living room. Home is a good
place. His kids are not cowering in
fear. They are not cringing in a corner in fear of dad. He is not an angry volcano waiting to erupt,
a renegade, rabble-rousing, selfish, violent monster. The kids speak blessing.
They express themselves and out of the abundance of their little hearts, their
mouths overflow with admiration for mom.
Now realize that these are unmarried kids at home. Today there is so much freedom that parents
don’t even know where their kids are, let alone what they are doing. This tells us something about the Proverbs 31
dad: His kids haven’t run away from home.
They are at home and with dad and mom.
They are speaking to one another expressing warmth, encouragement and
hospitality. Can you imagine kids talking like this? Our culture has our kids
so confused they can’t even put their hats on straight. Where did the kids in
Proverbs 31 learn to bless their mom? Who
was the model for this remarkable behavior? Did they learn to bless on their
own? Every parent is a teacher. Every home is a school. Most of the great
lessons of life are learned by example. Well-mannered children do not happen by
accident, but through a never-ending labor of love and discipline. It is hard
work to raise good kids. The Proverbs 31 man is a great role model at home for
his kids.
Now, finally, we get to hear from our man. The Proverbs 31 man is a man of few words.
Yet, when he speaks it is profound. His one memorable quote speaks volumes
about him, “Her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things but you surpass
them all.’“ The word praise (Halal: Strong’s
#1984) means to shine, make a show, to boast, to rave. He is appreciative of
what she does. He acknowledges her
contribution to the family in front of the kids. He knows that what she does is not inferior
or trivial. His words are a reflection
of the condition of his heart (Matt.
This woman is easy to praise. It would be easy to speak well of such an
excellent woman. The problem is not all
spouses are Grade ‘A’ good as this. She
is as rare as rubies. So, we may have to work at finding praiseworthy things in
order to encourage our spouses. We need
to look for what is good and acknowledge it.
Anybody can find fault. Anybody can criticize. Anybody can
belittle. It takes no special gift or
skill to be critical and cynical. Take some time to praise the good that people
do. Husbands, if this
is new to you, you need to start slow or she will get suspicious. You say, “Honey, this meat loaf is the
best.” She answers, “What is wrong with
it?” If you haven’t appreciated her in
awhile, she will wonder what you are up to.
However, honest appreciation will do wonders. There is a positive use of
words, which produces positive results. You will never regret honest and
sincere encouragement. This is a lesson for everyone. Our Proverbs 31 man is a
wise man.
This is seen in Proverbs 15:4 (RSV) – “A gentle
tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”
What is the opposite of encouragement?
Discouragement! Quarreling is a
tremendous discouragement in any relationship, especially marriage, as is
pointed to in Proverbs17:14 (RSV) – “The beginning of strife is like letting
out water; so quit before the quarrel breaks out.”
We should learn from this verse that we don’t
need to quarrel. We don’t have to
quarrel. We can stop it. Quarreling is a sin. It is a negative form of communication.
Quarreling is hatred. Proverbs
·
Proverbs18:19 (RSV) – A brother helped is
like a strong city, but quarreling is like the bars of a castle.
·
Proverbs 20:3 (RSV) – It is an honor for a
man to keep aloof from strife; but every fool will be quarreling.
·
Proverbs
We need to commit ourselves never to
quarrel. Never, never,
never quarrel. It is dishonoring. It is damaging. It is destructive. It is wrong and foolish. Stop it.
Don’t let it happen. Quit
it. Drop it. You will be a much happier
person. Instead, encourage, build up,
validate, appreciate, and rave about her.
How hard the Proverbs 31 woman works quickly
impresses us. If I were to follow her around for one day, I would be
exhausted. She works harder than a
plumber. Our Proverbs 31 man praised his wife. Men obtain recognition through
their careers and position in the community. A wife’s only source of
recognition is often her husband. Our man pays attention to her personally.
What if her husband never noticed, never
mentioned, never appreciated all she did? What if instead he complained, or nagged, or
belittled her? What incentive would she
have to put all her heart into homemaking? The homemaking woman is under
assault today. Instead, find what is lovely, find what is good and honorable
and encourage it. Words are powerful. They bring life or death (Proverbs18:21).
Words build up or tear down. Words heal or they destroy. Words discourage. Words encourage. Choose your words carefully.
Lie if you have to. Hey, don’t you want
her to lie about you?
What would happen in your life if your wife
raved about you as if you were the best thing that ever happened? What would that do to you? It would transform you, wouldn’t
it–especially if you believed it? You
might become a man of God. You might go
out and chase devils. You might conquer
the world!
A major problem in marriage is that wives make
their husbands feel like they can never measure up. This destroys even the
attempt or desire to measure up. A wife that says, “If only
you were more like Henry Kaney. He is so
thoughtful and considerate,” is only working against the possibility of
improvement. Am I right? Is there any
husband that has ever felt that this form of comparison is effective? How many
of you have ever heard or had a conversation like that? Has anyone not had a conversation like
that? Only newlyweds. Has comparison ever challenged you to be more
like Henry Kaney?
No possible way! Faultfinding and
discouragement doesn’t work on wives either.
Faultfinding never works on anyone.
The Proverbs 31 man says, “Honey, out of all of the women in the world,
you surpass them all.” I know I am
challenged to do more by encouragement than by discouragement and criticism.
Discouragement deflates, encouragement elates.
So why don’t we encourage one another? Encourage everybody. Encourage your wife, encourage your kids and
encourage your pastor. Encourage your friends. Encourage, encourage, encourage.
Encouragement is hard to do. If it were
easy we would do it more often. If we
did just that one thing, the world would be a better place.
Do you think it was kind of him to say, “Honey,
you are the best?” Of all the choices he
could make for his one memorable quote, he chose encouragement. These are the only words we hear from him in
the whole chapter. Our man of few words raves about her in front of his kids
and to her personally. The Bible says,
“He praises her...You surpass them
all.” He doesn’t say, “She surpassed them all.” He looks her in the eyes and says, “You surpass them all,” in front of the
kids. He is not insulting her. He is not
debasing her. He is building her up and
he does it in the hearing of his household.
Words are powerful. They bring life or death (Proverbs18:21). Words build up. Words tear down. Words heal
or destroy.
Not only does he speak a blessing to his wife,
he honors her in front of the kids. Now
what does this do for the security and stability in the home? Do you think that
dad’s encouragement of mom does anything in the little hearts of the kids? Absolutely. Every kid
wants to see mom and dad getting along and having this kind of warm conversation.
It is often said, “The best thing a dad can do for his kids is to love their
mother.”
The kids learn to bless mom from dad. Our man’s
respect for mom is a powerful lesson for young men. Understand, that there is a
small window of time during which we can mold and impact the lives of the kids
entrusted to us by God. My most important times of teaching and interaction
with my kids have occurred in spontaneous, unscheduled moments: walking to the
park, roller skating, bike riding, fishing, working around the house, driving
in the car, at home over breakfast. This
kind of lesson cannot be taught in Sunday school.
Find some way to speak positively about her and to her. Your honest appreciation makes her life and
work valuable. What she does is not
trivial. Is her work any less important
than his? Not only does mom accomplish much, she also is effective in raising
sweet children. The biblical model is being passed to another generation. Do
you detect any hint that this woman was degraded or treated as inferior by her
husband? Do you detect any hint that her husband demeaned or belittled
her? He praises her. He raves about her. She surpasses all others.
His words reveal a warm and intimate relationship with his wife. She can
believe his words because his actions toward her are righteous. The Proverbs 31
man uses his words constructively. This is a wise man.
Proverbs 31: 30 reads, “Charm is deceitful and
beauty is vain.” There is no indication that the Proverbs 31 woman won a beauty
contest. Most women by definition are average. Our man sees his wife for her
inner beauty. A truly beautiful woman is a woman who trusts the Lord. She is praised because of her noble character. Noble character gets better with time but
skin wrinkles with time. Charm is
deceptive and beauty is fleeting. Over the course of time, kindness is more
important than beauty. Face the facts no
one keeps their shape forever. Just look
down. The man who does not see the true beauty in the fear of the Lord is a
blind man.
The Proverbs 31 man is not demanding that his
wife be a high school hard body. He
doesn’t measure her value against a Playboy pinup. She is not forced to conform to some narrow,
cultural standard of beauty. Never make negative remarks about your wife’s
appearance. You damage your relationship with your wife when you ridicule your
jewel for lack of physical perfection. Never, never, never
compare her to anybody. Use encouragement creatively. This is a powerful
principle.
Men, we need to release our wives from
expectations based on a cultural definition of beauty. Cheerleaders and pinups do not impress the
Proverbs 31 man. Faith, diligence, joy, kindness, loyalty and integrity impress
him. Anybody can be beautiful. You can
buy it in night cream. There are bottles and bottles of beauty for sale in
every store. Yet, it takes the fear of the Lord to have the beauty of noble
character. This woman is wise and kind. These are the adornments of true beauty. The
world’s standard of beauty is not our standard of beauty.
We learn in Proverbs 31: 23 that, “Her husband
is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land” (RSV). The Proverbs 31 man has become a respected elder.
Elders were the heads of families. Elder comes from the word for “old age.” An
elder in most civilizations represented the authority vested in those who, by
age or experience, are thought to be the best qualified to rule. In ancient
times, elders were the civil authority. Every city had its own ruling body of
elders, whose duties included acting as judges, conducting inquests, settling
marriage disputes, and hearing pleas for asylum (New Bible Dictionary “Elder” 356). This local system prevailed
throughout the history of
We find our Proverbs 31 man at the gates of the
city. To sit at the gate means that our
man is a prominent leader in the community.
He is known in the gates. This means that he has a good reputation. He is respected. Proverbs 3:3-4 tell us that
it is by loyalty and faithfulness that a man gains a good reputation in the
sight of God and men. Our man isn’t
known in the gates of the city as a derelict or a thief or a womanizer but an
elder. He has earned his seat at the
gate by his character, not by votes. The gate is a place of honor. One does not
become an elder by being a fool.
Proverbs 24:7 tells us that, “Wisdom is too high for a fool; in the gate
he does not open his mouth” (RSV). A
fool is not even allowed to speak in the gate.
A fool has nothing worth saying.
So what do we know about our man? He is a man of wisdom and integrity. The Proverbs teach us that godly wisdom is
learned (Proverbs1:2; 9:9; 30:3).
Therefore, growth in God’s wisdom takes time, study and effort. Here is a man devoted to God. He has taken
spiritual responsibility for his own life.
He is not waiting for his wife to lead the way or to
encourage him spiritually. He has picked
himself up by his own bootstraps and put himself into training to understand
and apply God’s Word. As a result of
that growth in wisdom and experience, he is able to sit in the gate and make a
positive contribution to the community.
He sits among the elders of the land.
He is not sitting in the seat of scorners. He is not walking in the counsel of the
ungodly. He is not sitting around being lazy.
He is not sitting in front of the TV.
He is not sitting at the beach getting a good tan. He is not sitting at the Red Onion Cantina
sucking suds with his buds. He is not
smoking pot. He is not living for golf, fishing, bowling, video games or
basketball. We see him taking care of
business and we see him at home with the wife and kids. He isn’t a self-seeking, recreational
machine. Now there is a valid place for recreation, granted. I need some.
I’m about due for a fishing trip. That is not what we are talking about
here. He is making a difference in his world. He is taking his biblical
responsibilities seriously. The Proverbs 31 man is involved in influencing the
community beyond family and church.
Proverbs 31:23 could be titled, “The Men at the
Gates and a Woman’s Ability to Shop.”
Proverbs 31:14, 16 and 24 show that the streets
are safe in the city for women to travel, shop and do business. What would make the streets unsafe for women?
Bad men. Who would rob women? Bad
men. When men are good, the streets are safe. When men are good, women
are safe. She can travel the open road and bring food from afar. She can buy a
field and not be ripped off. She can go
to town and supply merchants with the products of her home industry. This woman
lives and moves freely without fear. She
is not worried about drive-by shootings, robbery, rape and rip-offs. This is because righteous men rule at the
city gates. When God is removed from the gates the city lives in fear. When God
is removed from the home, schools, business and government, people live in
fear. We put bars on our doors and windows. We buy alarms, security systems,
Lo-jack, the Club, pepper spray and guns.
The following verses from Proverbs illustrate this:
·
Proverbs11:10 (RSV) – “When it goes well
with the righteous, the city rejoices; and when the wicked perish there are
shouts of gladness.”
·
Proverbs11:11 (RSV) – “By the blessing of
the upright a city is exalted, but it is overthrown by the mouth of the
wicked.”
·
Proverbs 28:28 (RSV) – “When the wicked
rise, men hide themselves, but when they perish, the righteous increase.”
·
Proverbs 29:2 (RSV) – “When the righteous
are in authority, the people rejoice; but when the wicked rule, the people
groan.”
·
Proverbs 29:16 (RSV) – “When the wicked
are in authority, transgression increases; but the righteous will look upon
their downfall.”
The fact that she can travel safely and do
business without fear tells us that the elders who sit in the gate are doing a
good job. When God’s righteousness
prevails in the city and in the nation, people are free, happier, safe, and
stable. People can travel without fear. Righteousness promotes commerce. Proverbs
28:2,15,16; and
29:2 show us that society is held together by the quality of men at the gates.
The people have confidence in the men at the gate.
Should we legislate
righteousness? Yes! All law is legislated morality. Proverbs
o
v1 – “And if you obey the voice of the
LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments which I command you
this day, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the
earth.”
o
v2 – “And all these blessings shall come upon
you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the LORD your God.”
o
v3 – “Blessed shall you be in the city, and
blessed shall you be in the field.”
o
v6 – “Blessed shall you be when you come in,
and blessed shall you be when you go out. (RSV).”
Additionally,
in Leviticus 26:21-22:
o
v21 – “If you remain hostile toward me
and refuse to listen to me, I will multiply your afflictions seven times over,
as your sins deserve.”
o
v22 – “I will send wild animals against
you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you
so few in number that your roads will be deserted.
(NIV).”
o
And further in Judges 5:6‑7 (RSV):
o
v6 – “In the days of Shamgar,
son of Anath, in the days of Ja'el,
caravans ceased and travelers kept to the byways.”
o
v7 – “The peasantry ceased in
o
And in Judges. 20:45-46:
o
v45 – “As they turned and fled toward the
desert to the rock of Rimmon, the Israelites cut down
five thousand men along the roads. They kept pressing after the Benjamites as far as Gidom and
struck down two thousand more.”
o
v46 – “On that day twenty-five thousand Benjamite swordsmen fell, all of them valiant fighters.
(NIV).”
And
finally in Num. 21:1 – “When
the Canaanite king of
Men who
govern righteously make the roads safe and protect the wellbeing of the
community. However, when righteous men leave the city gate, it opens the
floodgates to wickedness. When righteous
men leave their seats at the gate, wicked men will take those seats. When the
Proverbs 31 man is not at the gate, the Romans 1:31 man
will be seated there presiding. Striving against evil that takes place at the
gate (Proverbs 28:2-5, 28 and 29:2,16). It is not an easy job (Proverbs 29:8). The seat in the gate is a dangerous position
(Proverbs 29:10, 27). When men are committed to God and family and take
biblical values to the city gates, the streets are safe for women and children.
Chapter 16 – The Final Word
The Proverbs 31 man is known at the gates for
his noble character. He is a quality
husband, father and civic leader. This man is an ideal role model. Even some of the best-known Bible heroes did
not do as good a job as this man.
Proverbs 31:31 reads that the Proverbs 31 woman is also known and
praised at the gates for her qualities.
Isn't this woman of Proverbs 31 fantastic? Wouldn't it be great if all wives were like
this? Wouldn't it be great if all wives
would make this their life goal...working hard to be like this great
woman? Wouldn't life be better and
wouldn’t marriage be better if all wives were like her?
What about husbands? Wouldn't it be great if all
men were like him? Wouldn’t it be great if every husband would make it their
life goal to be the Proverbs 31 man? Wouldn't life be better and wouldn’t
marriage be better if all husbands were like him? Shouldn’t men work hard to
provide a warm, safe and peaceful home? We may never make it -- but let us die
trying.
Let's work hard to be forgiving, encouraging,
loving and understanding, wise and kind. Regardless of our stage in life, we
should all strive to develop godly character.
Keep on trying. Keep on praying.
Keep on learning. Never give up. Our Proverbs 31 Man was a quality husband,
father and elder.
He was a:
Homemaker
Uncompromising
faith
Stable
Blesses his wife
Active at the
gate
Necessary for
the family and his wife
Dad to his kids
Now we should ask the question, does our man
need to be this way? No. There is no
irresistible compulsion to be a biblical man. The Proverbs 31 man has analyzed
the options and made a choice to conform to the biblical pattern that is tested
and true. The biblical blueprint for family still works today. Our culture says do what you want when you
want. It’s all about you. However, our
Proverbs 31 man has built his life according to God's blueprint for the
family. He is not doing what he wants.
He is doing what is best. The reason most men do not match the Proverbs 31 man
is because they are doing what they want. Selfishness is always self-destructive.
Our man is doing what God wants...and what God
wants is best for everyone. God's blueprint
for life hasn't gone out of style. It is
a blueprint of choice. It is God's
wisdom and it is learned. Biblical wisdom is something that our man has modeled
his life after. The Proverbs 31 man is this way because he understands that
God's paradigm for family is better than any other family model the experts can
construct. One day all the experts will agree with the Bible.
Let us reject the values of our culture and
personal interests to produce families who live out the universal principles
that construct wholesome, happy homes. Let us learn to be a Proverbs 31
man. Men don’t have many models of a
decent dad and husband. Here is a great
one. Let us be men and women of God who live out the proven, timeless
principles as recorded in the Owner’s manual.